There is something about aesthetics of 90s-early 00s east asian movies that I am in love with
I finally found another person that likes this aesthetic? Ye-ah!
Zak: I don’t think we’ve had this question before. First off, I don’t think there’s really any such thing as “normal” or “not normal” when it comes to these sorts of things. I can almost guarantee you that you’re not the only one that has felt this way, and there’s certainly not anything wrong with you for having these feelings. It’s typical for people to say things like “but you were so beautiful before” or “it’s such a shame that you’re going to ruin your great voice/breasts/face/etc.” So, it’s not surprising that you might have internalized these comments if you’ve had them directed toward you. It’s also pretty common for people to worry about what they’ll look like once they start HRT or have surgery. After all, there are no reassurances of what you’ll look like or exactly how your changes will manifest themselves.
Being attractive isn’t the goal of transition, regardless of what other people think (though it’s certainly a nice thing to come out of it, if it does!). The point is to feel more comfortable with yourself, and if you end up a little less conventionally attractive than you may very well feel it was worth it. The saying “it’s better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you are not” comes to mind. While there’s probably a lot of disagreement on this, I think many trans people would say that they’d rather be an average looking person of the gender in which they identify than a stunning looking person of the gender that they were assigned at birth. It’s not at all wrong to want to be attractive, though, or to be concerned about your attractiveness. I certainly was. I can assure you though that being more comfortable in my body made me feel a lot more attractive, regardless of how I actually looked.
So, it could could definitely be guilt or anxiety about your future attractiveness, neither of which are unusual things to feel when approaching physical transition. I think it’s especially common to feel guilty if you have people around you who are unhappy with your transition or who are telling you that you are “selfish” for doing so. Unfortunately it can be difficult to work past these feelings, but the fact is that the traits that you have that other people would love may be the very things that cause you dysphoria and make you miserable. Just because you have something that others might want doesn’t mean that you have to hold onto it and appreciate it if it is something that actively causes you discomfort and unhappiness. I’ve heard many people remark that, for instance, “I had great breasts, and I would’ve appreciated them on someone else, but I hated them on me.” That’s certainly a fair thing to feel, and not something that you should be judged for (and, by extension, judge yourself for). It’s going to be okay, and you’re a perfectly fine person even if you do want to alter or get ride of female aspects of your body that are attractive or that other people like. It’s YOUR body, and it’s for YOU.